Archive for months

14 months and moving on

after the twelve months i really thought things, surprising things, would slow down, i really imagined that between their mommy who started walking at 9 months, and their daddy that got up at 2 years-old, it’d take a while before walking was part of their lifes. but their 13th month was really just a space between crawling fast, to too fast and getting up and walking. 5 days before their 14th monthaverssary they got up and instead of the usual and already so common two-steps-fall, F got up and walked from their bedroom to the livingroom (mommy style)… which are about 15steps in their tiny feet… M watched that day still playing it safe and not really wanting to be less than perfect (daddy style)… the next morning M at around lunch time decided it was his turn to shine and did the same, circa 15steps from bedroom to livingroom and clapped in the end. i never thought it’d be so overwhelming, i mean i had seen so much already, between sleeping the whole night, eating everything (only complaining when the plate is empty… which always seems too soon for them), blabbing, crawling, i thought i had prepared myself to see them walk and think “good for you” without tears or ridiculous “awwwws”… but no. no way could i see those proud smiles, laughs, claps and not shed a tear or hold them so tight they’d want to not walk but run away. it’s impossible to watch all that effort for a few steps and not feel an imense joy, and a scary feeling for them. if you look at them while they focus on their feet and overcome obstacles… my kids not only walk but they prefer to step over higher things, they don’t go around the toys, they rather go through them, stepping over boxes and pillows, the harder it is it seems to make them happier and less scared of whatever crosses their way. and i just stare. i cheer, and i hold them at the end of the corridor when they decide that they want to try running and they can’t seem to find the brakes, but just before they fall into my arms laughing and pretending their running from eachother, i freeze time and see every muscle growing, moving and their hearts beating faster and happier. i see their eyes open up as if they just saw the world, i see every little movement as a conquest. there isn’t anything in this new phase that i can’t relate to right now.

as they beging to walk and discover how amazing it is to do things by themselves while still knowing we’re there right behind them, we, the adults, the parents are also about to embark on a whole new world.

i left lisbon in 2002, initially for only 10months… well, that ended up being 9years… he has also left his home in milan in 2005 and what was uncertain became 6years. we are about to go away, towards north this time, to the hemisphere we grew up in, to europe, to portugal… to lisbon. i am finally going home.

i do not know what to expect. yes, it’s the place i grew up in, the place i left but always wanted to go back to… but while doing this i had no idea i’d be who i am right now and so going back is not going back to who i was, it’s a whole new thing. i’m scared of everything that i have missed, or thought i couldn’t live without and did, scared of having made up an idea of what lisbon is, instead of what it became. i am scared of realizing i am part of a much larger world and not of just lisbon. you may think this is contradictory to what i always said, but when the moment finally arrives you notice that you might now know the place anymore. in 9 years i’ve gone back “home” always on holiday or maternity leave and what place doesn’t look, feel, taste new than when you see it on a 24h timelimit? i had no plans, i could visit all my friends in just one day, or divide them up between meals in a whole week. i could climb all the 7hills on one day (except when i was carrying twins obviously!) or decide not to and take the tram (also not when pregnant!). i could decide to explore new shops, new restaurants, new parks, new brunches, new views just because i had time… but what happens when that time in that same city you explored thouroughly is replaces by a 9 to 5 job? do you really see it anymore? do you really live it? in milan we did, in antwerp we did, in maputo we tried… but when you had such an admiration for a place and a almost mystical feeling towards it, it might just come crashing down… and that scares me… a lot. it’s like their tiny steps…

i’m taking it slow, though all tell me to hurry for there is an economic crisis in the world, as if i’ve been living away from it, as if i haven’t felt here any of it. i know it’s going to get very tough, but i need this, i want this and i will do what i can to make the transition easy. my babies will feel the change, i know, even if only through us or maybe because they won’t see their nanny anymore, gosh if i could she’d come with us, but they will have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my friends and their children to grow up with and maybe one day i’ll be able to explain how hard thought needed this decision was. leaving is not leaving, it’s starting… it’s trying harder to give them and us what makes up happy. we chose to have them to ourselves for this year, we decided things for them and we created a world for them with the four of us, it’s time to share, to let them see everyone else to let them know that we also are beginning… also taking our first steps towards something we can’t see but hope and imagine it as a happy place.

four of four

they warned me, they all said after three months everything would change. you’ll regain some of your life back and you’ll see how different everything is. i believed them, but i think i jumped a few steps… i thought the biggest change would be that my boys would finally sleep a whole night without eating at 4am like they used to, and that they would soon start detaching themselves from my breasts, introducing food into their lives… but i was wrong. my boys still eat at 4am and still drink only my milk, with one exception because they have a daddy who is willing to feed them a bottle of NAN milk just before he goes to bed so that their mommy can sleep a block of 6 hours in a row before she breasfeeds them at that awful hour that 4am is and because she will have to stay awake with the boys from 5:30am on… so clearly things haven’t changed a bit in this department… but should i complain? no!

their fourth month, OUR fourth month went by swiftly making things literally easier for all of us. what i mean by easy is that my little boys are grwoing very well, lenght and weight wise and look adorable like never before. they smile everytime you look at them and slowly but surely they start making new tricks everyday. things like sucking their thumbs or reaching for things, or putting things in their mouths and making horrible faces depending on fabrics, textures and tastes is just too cute. there are reactions on just about anything, if you smile they smile back, if you sing they listen carefully and move slowly to their side, if you talk low to them and it’s almost sleeping time, they start pulling any fabric around them pull it uup to their faces. if daddy’s near and tickles them or just talks they laugh out loud making a very cute sound which i imagine it to a tiny lion learning how to growl. it’s a sound that mean whatever you or them want it to mean, like “again”, or “hello”, or “stay here with me and play” or even “put me down” or “pull me up”. it works.

at 4 months we, i include the parents in this because it is definitely a team effort, have learned to do some amazing exercises, their mother shold learn too, sitting up and holding still, belly down and looking up, roll left and roll back, roll right and roll back again, all of which makes them smile greatly and makes us, dumb, drooling and proud parents so much more in love with these little things we created.

probably the greatest test of this 4th month was for me personally because i had always read that babies should have their own room from the beginning and if not at least from when they were 3months old… and i really believe that for them eventually but especially for you, mommy… and for the couple that made them, it is an essencial step to letting them grow up, even for just a little bit. and so, when they were 3months and 3days (i had to way for a saturday night… so whatever happened i had sunday to relax if things went wrong) my boys slept for the first time in their own beds… at night. that’s another detail, they were sleeping in our bedroom (not on our bed) at ngiht but during the day always in their new beds in their new bedroom, in order for them to get familiar with the smells and feeling of it all… so that first night by themselves it took them seconds to fall asleep, but i stayed awake fro a ocuple of hours… not really knowing what to do but realizing that i couldn’t hear them breathe anymore, or see them or just know that they were there. it was a big challenge but we all made it. sure, it was a test and a hard one because they too, i think felt the distance and cried more than usual, but we held tight and made it through the night… until now. we never gave up and right now they play in their beds before crying to call me, they stay looking at their toys as if they know there’s no need to cry because i’m safe here. and mommy sleeps well, and daddy too… and we know we did the right thing… even if just to make our bedroom looking like an adult place.

so we all had to learn new tricks this month, hoping it never ends and that it only gets better from here. they are indeed growing up very well and soon they will start eating normal food, i wanted it to be at 4months, but their doctor says that my milk is too good for me to give up, so i’ll have them clinging on to me for another while… it’s ok in the end. i wanted to stop but will it be that easy? i don’t think so, so let me just enjoy this for a little bit longer, because now specially now, they eat and really look at me… so why shouldn’t i do it still? it’d be stopping something too beautiful to describe.

they0ve gone to the beach, they’ve seen and heard how tropical rain drops and smells, they have met wonderful people, they know how to chat through skype but mostly they know how to make us happy… except when it’s 40degrees and i have to stick them in the car and the screaming begins an all those smiles seem to have been forgotten… until i give them a bit of water it seems… yesterday on the 10.10.2010 they have their first sip… SIPS… of water and it seems that they like it… or need it. either way, it’s new and we all love new things around here.

waiting to give them a taste of coffee and beer…