Archive for death

piedade

P1040132

she was 3 years old…

she was HIV positive…

she used to be chubby and huggable and so funny

she was an orphan.

and she finally gave up.

her last week was spent in a hospital. refusing to eat, refusing to drink, refusing to hang on. she was sick, she was HIV positive, a disease that here in the middle of nowhere it is still to be believed as a demon that lives inside someone’s body… they get “treated” with herbs… and this little girl didn’t have a chance. she’s within the years of “normal infant death” because she’s under four… she just didn’t have a chance.

but she lived with all the others like her, with Sister Isaura, and we got a chance (ironically) to see her for 6 months, growing and giggling through her day. and then one day she suddenly had lost all appetite, all energy, her skin drying and her smile… gone. 

PIEDADE… 3 years-old… HIV positive… died last night…

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vó madalena 01.04.1922 – 16.12.2008

on the 13th of december when she talked to me on phone to wish me a happy birthday i couldn’t hear her, words were coming from her but she was already gone… i didn’t recognize her voice or her tone or even her heart… she was going… she was slowly giving up.
my grandmother madalena died three days later, slowly while holding my mother’s hand, apparently she didn’t suffer, she didn’t panic, she just let go and drew her last breath as if there was nothing else to do.
last time i saw her she was very smily, happy in her own way, not worried at all of her condition, still made a few remarks that makes us laugh because of her strange memory, still confused a few things that we had decided a long time ago to not correct because it was just too funny. she didn’t mind.

i didn’t have a great relationship with her, she was my mother’s mother to me, she once made me angry while i was a child and i gave up on us for 12 years, i never forgave her and she never insisted… you have no idea how much hurt and pain i feel for not being able to remember why i was so upset… what did she do to me that could made me stop holding her hand… i can’t remember and for the rest of my life i will hold on to the moment when she died as the moment that i should’ve said “i’m sorry”

for 6 years since i left lisbon i have suffered for anticipation of the things that can happen while i am away, i hated turning off my phone in case something happened but always thought if something dod happen i would fly home… until now… my sister is here and we thought about what we should do, we’ll fly back we said, but my mom decided to not let us, she said i’m here, she’s in peace and you need eachtoher there. “help eachother in this moment, let aldo and ana help you, and remember vó madalena is ok, she’s in peace and on her way to heaven… i need to be her daughter right now”
it is so hard to hear you mother be so strong when her mother has just passed away. i know she is suffering but when she talks to us she knows she has to be able to help us get through it too.

i knew this day would come when the distance between me and home would become so unbearable i would question where i am… i’m here and i won’t let this happen again…

i just hope she didn’t die angry, dissapointed, sad… just calm.
she was buried next to her husband, my grandfather mateus where he was waiting for her for the last 12 years. they’re together and i think though it will take some time we will be fine…