can’t really believe it. it’s been two months already. the surprising thing isn’t the fact that i’ve been a mommy for two months already, but the amount of things i haven’t done in the last two months… like writing on this blog. everyday i thing of something new to say, and everyday i read one or two blogs on the internet but when i decide to write on my own one of the babies cries, or needs to be fed or changed, or i just fall asleep from exhaustion.
it0s been a rollercoaster ride for sure. no one could’ve explained it to me to it’s detail. everyone had thoeries, advices, stories, but no one really told me exactly how it would be, or how i would feel.
the two months before they arrived i lived in total bliss, nothing to do except apply for government money, buying last minute toiletries for the babies, watching tv and having basically lunch with different people every single day. the weather was treating me well and i loved moving like there was no belly attachted to me. moving indeed was pretty easy to do, nothing to it, but by 5pm my feet would give up and i would crash in front of that amazing tv channel called foxlife and slip away into a series mode pretending things weren’t about to change.
he arrived and i understood how alone i had been feeling in those last weeks of my pregnancy. my babies kept me company and i enjoyed their kicking as if they were asnwers to the millions of questions in my mind, but nothing compared to having him next to me, nervous and excited about our future. everything was set for the 2nd of june, all bags prepared, all documents filled out except for names, which we were still wondering what they’d be on the last sunday before motherhood when my feet were so swollen i didn’t even need shoes and eventhough i had friends over for lunch and didn’t stop moving, the feet still looked awful to the point of having my doctor, my sister, beg me to go to the pharmacy and measure my bloog pressure for something wasn’t right…
and indeed it wasn’t.
on the morning of the 31st of May of 2010 we left our apartment to pick up his parents at the airport but stopped quickly at the pharmacy to get my pressure measured… it was too high. our direction changed and we headed for the emergency room at the hospital for a check-up, his parents were left at the airport waiting… and with much drama in between, three hours later i had two beautiful boys in my arms. and i confess, they are beautiful, and i’ve seen plenty of babies, but these… we did things right!
things didn0t really change that first day. i didn’t see anyone except my babies, my sister and him for those first 24 hours. they stayed with me a little bit while i tried to sleep. the babies were sleeping well and feeding perfectly. that first day was a bliss… except for the pain from my c-section which i thought i ought to live through it and refused painkillers… little did i know i wasn’t supposed to be in pain.
but on that second day, things began to become real… so real…
the attention we got was amazing and almost unbelievable. so many people, so many presents, so much love and tenderness. they slept all through the visits, and i bared through them as well, and as alive as i could… for the pain was there and i needed to sleep. i didn’t realise then that i would never regain sleep…
the time came to come home and things started changing slowly but surely, i was breastfeeding both babies 16 times a day, 8 for each, one baby 30 minutes after the other. no time for showers, coffees out with friends, no pretty clothes, no cuddling with the boys… just diapers, breasts, sleeping in those first 10 days. by the time i took my first long shower, where i actually washed my hair, i was a new woman. no stitches, no pain, beautiful hair back, dressed in dresses, necklaces on, breaksfast out and two perfect boys. only one thing was bothering me… or two maybe… i stopped being me to become them. the attention i was getting when holding a belly of two slowly started dissapearing and i stopped hearing “how are you?” to start having question directed at me as “how are the babies?” “did they sleep well?” “are you feeding them enough?” and so much more… i became a distant figure, only serving as a giant boob every three hours. everyone was in love with them and i couldn’t enjoy it. i was exhausted. thankfully there was him, still mine and theirs too, knowing how to keep me smiling and helping me with the millionnew things we had to learn. and at the end of the day, when everyone went home, when silence arrived and the boys slept were we able to enjoy those rare moments of just us… no words, no actions, just sitting and listening to our very happy but tired hearts.
it took a while to get used to that smothering, suffocating need for people to be close to us, and i didn’t react in the best way sometimes, but i have been living away from everyone enough time, 8 years, to know how i like to have my space, my silence and my “rules”, apparently to some it didn’t make sense and it created sometimes a wierd atmosphere… but then again, all they wanted were the babies and i didn’t matter.
as soon as they became one month old… automatically we changed. there wasn’t one single day when we didn’t leave the house with them, enjoying lisbon sun and light, going for coffee outside, even having fun with dressing them in their too many clothes and slimply understanding how easy things can be when you just let go of so many others.
but the best of that second month, wasn’t just being us four… but being us four with our friends. they came from everywhere, lisbon, porto, antwerp, milan, everyone brought smiles and so many memories, and most of all, they brought so much love with them. it was amazing to see how much they adored the boys and how truly amazed they were, and how much they cared for our little big family. too good to be true. people we hadn’t seen in almost two years, seemed like they were never gone, that we had never left and that would always have them close.
my boys were loved for sure those two months in lisbon and from everywhere in the world.
the big challenge was still to come… maputo.